Sunday, September 10, 2006

What's Really Wrong with Men Today

There has been alot of speculation lately on what ails a healthy Catholic femininity in this contemporary age. I'd like to take a break from this debate to talk about what really irks me about the opposite sex.

1. Why don't men spend their time practicing how to take out the garbage more before marriage? This is clearly a task that has been traditionally relegated to the stronger sex, and I want to know why men so loath this task that they are not properly prepared for it when they enter the married state. I mean, how hard is it to put another bag into the trash can and tie it so that garbage doesn't cause it to slip down the can, hence creating a nasty, stinking garbage can. It wastes time and puts unneeded stress on a marriage that is already wrought with hardships and turmoil.

2. Why can men not gracefully open doors? I was recently crossing the lobby of an office building, when a very gentlemanly looking man noticed my approach to the door. He hastened his step, and stationed himself next to the door to pull it open for me, only to be awkwardly embarrassed to find out that the door opened outward! His embarrasment, and my smirk at trying not to laugh was weird indeed, as he had to push the door open, and plaster his body against the door so that I could go through before he did. Instead of playing sports, getting jobs, saving money and other manly pursuits, men should make themselves apprised at the various ways to open doors for ladies. This would indeed be an imitation of Christ who opened the door to heaven for us.

3. Learn how to shake a hand! My goodness, there's nothing worse than shaking a man's hand, and you feel like you've been given a wet noodle to shake. Enough said on that subject.

4. I am pleased to hear that some men have taken the task of creating the "head of household" and "suggestions welcome" buttons to be used during marriage so that their wife can wordlessly determine whether now is a good time to discuss a major issue with their husband, or if she should passively submit. I am pleased to hear of such creative modes of communication between married persons that cuts out needless words.

5. Learn how to smoke a pipe! For goodness sake, how am I supposed to have your pipe, slippers and smoking jacket prepared when you return home from work if you don't smoke a pipe, or at least a cigar. Seriously, surely your job or other preparations for marriage don't exclude you pursuing some vices that are to be upheld in marriage.

6. While dating, I fully expect that there should be certain obstacle courses, trick questions, and other challenges by which to test my worthiness as a wife. Please, please, please - put some thoughts into these. Some suggestions might include leaving me in the woods overnight with a sewing machine and some knitting needles to see if I can have a sweater knitted and a suit sewn by morning. Asking me how many degrees I have, and how many degrees I wish I didn't have might be another challenge. Since the results will be used to determine whether or not I am able to sacrifice during marriage, these should really be HARD.

These are just a few random thoughts. If there are other suggestions out there, I'm very open to hearing them. If you are a man and responding, be sure to be really harsh so that I can get used to the castigations of my husband should I ever marry.

(Judging from the sarcasm of this post, I think its pretty unlikely)


Stephen L.M. Heiner said...

I really like the leaving the girl in the woods one. But, I wouldn't come back in the morning. Give her a compass and have her find her way home too. In a full length skirt of course.

Petrus said...

Excellent idea, Stephen. Although, the only problem with that is that she would be unsupervised. And certainly, that would leave her in harms way - and protecting the woman is a duty of the man. I'm not sure how you'd get around that one...

perhaps a national park would be suitable and park rangers could look after her.

(sometimes I really kill myself!!)

Stephen L.M. Heiner said...

Well, I can't really trust the park rangers can I? Unless they are old ladies of course.

And, they should be wearing park ranger full-length skirts.

Petrus said...

Yeah - I think you're going to have think of another task. The compass bit seems a little too implausible.

qlinger said...

At least the guy held the door opened. I have been priviliaged to hold the door for many men, and thye don't even thank me. But I have never been able to take anyone serious when they where buttons. What a commentary on communication these days. Men have to wear buttons to let there wife know when to discuss househld events. It reminds me of the time our neighbor presented himself wearing the button "I'm the boss in this house". My sister looked at it and replied "You need a button to tell your wife, kids and yourself that?." Proving once again the woman comes out ahead.

M. Alexander said...

On the question of when is the best time to discuss household matter with your husband the answer is after he has had a beer or several. If you have a question to ask him the answer will be yes.

And it is the vices that will hold the marriage together- I assure you!

I think the compass stays. It is well known that men cannot find their way out of a parking lot and refuse to ask directions. If the wife can't navigate you will never get anywhere!